• The Quandary of Schizophrenia

Some thirty-odd years ago I was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia (paranoia, avolition, residual) and mild borderline personality disorder. When I was younger, I had to find my own ways to combat the effects that these two disorders have on my psyche; today, I have found ways to put those two mental detriments to good use rather than letting them have a negative effect on my life. Well, that is, most of the time.

One of the effects of my particular schizophrenia is an increased emotional response to internal stimuli, which acts as a trigger for my borderline criteria - or, for those of you who don't go in for $10 terminology, I'm a self-excitable son-of-a-bitch on occasion. Last night was a wonderful, and very typical example of what it's like to be me.

I had to work yesterday, as my employer has one of the most retarded forms of health coverage known to mankind - if you take off for being sick, you have to make up the hours you lost or pay the exorbitant premium yourself. Needless to say, I'd rather give up a Saturday than pay $150 for the month's coverage. It was a pretty easy day and I was in a good mood when I left work; instead of meeting the fellas for a few beers, I opted for picking up copies of a couple of old movies I'd been wanting to get my hands on and relax at home.

That I didn't fall into my usual habits on the commute - music cooking via my iPod and my head planted squarely in whatever current book I'm reading - should have been my first indication something was wrong. When I arrived home an hour and a half after I left work, I didn't open the waiting package that I had forgotten I had ordered. I didn't take the movies out of my knapsack. I didn't even give Wilson his welcome-home pet. I just went into my room, closed my door and had a good cry.

The reasons why I found myself emotionally distraught are the subject for another blog post - the point is that I was unable to contain my emotions longer than it took for me to get to a place where I could be by myself. It is not uncommon for me to have emotional reactions to internal stimuli; something crosses my mind, stays there and either irritates or depresses me to the point where I cannot function until I have a little "alone time" to bring myself back into balance. That is what being borderline schizophrenic is like; having thoughts that are not always pleasant, the unpleasant thought causing an emotional response, the emotional response further triggering the disturbing thought, round and round until a breaking point is reached.

In mild cases, such as myself, that "breaking point" is an emotional breakdown; I have a bout of depression, perhaps a series of crying jags, and after a day or two at the very most I feel better and I can resume going about my life. For more serious cases, it can be a nervous breakdown, suicide, and other destructive behaviors.

The way I have always handled my emotions, indicative of someone who drives their own treatment of schizophrenia, is a solitary lifestyle, intense relationships (when they occur), and a not infrequent reliance on drug use to either subdue or enhance positive or negative indications of the disease. These are all behaviors that I have experienced at one point or another in my life. Since my borderline behaviors are much more serious, recognizing and controlling my schizophrenic behaviors are critical to my ability to thrive and function in society.

Drug use is a rare event today (perhaps once or twice a year, and limited strictly to cannabis). I have found that spending my time productively is far more therapeutic than spending my time stoned off my ass. I do live a solitary lifestyle as typical of a borderline personality, but instead of allowing my solitude to get the better of me, I have forced myself into behaviors that are counter to what borderlines typically do - remaining employed at the same job for well over a year, not being interested in relationships that do not have potential of being long-term, and utilizing my time alone constructively (writing, blogging, reading, artwork and so forth).

I have learned to recognize my tendencies to be hyper-sensitive in seeking acceptance or entertainment (it shows though in my passion for action movies, and that hyper-sensitivity is one of the reasons I became a blogger in the first place), as well as my being overly aware of rejection and lack of novel stimuli. By being aware of the behavioral symptoms, I have a better grasp of who I am and, more importantly, what it is I need to do at any given time to make sure things stay on an even keel.

I am a rare individual. I have such mild forms of these two disorders that, as long as I am aware of my current states and take the necessary precautions, I can enjoy my life without the use of medications. Every once in a while, though, it gets away from me. I have thoughts of rejection, paranoia and a detrimental self-image. I have thoughts and feelings that I know are not only inappropriate, but would be considered dangerous in a more unstable individual. During these times, I stay to myself, I have a good cry, and I will often pray.

Now, I'm not going to turn this into a religious post of any sort, but prayer is a tactic that works for me on a few levels for handling the onset of a borderline episode. I simply talk to God. I tell Him what I have on my head, what's going through my mind and where my emotions are headed at that particular moment. I'll talk about my job, my solitude, my friends and co-workers, whatever is at the forefront. Were I not a believer in God, I imagine talking to a good friend (who is a very good listener) would have the same effect. The act of prayer simply allows me to be objective about my emotional states via articulation (and it's very handy for working out non-emotional issues as well).

After a few hours I'll start feeling better. In fact, last night my friend Lucas called, we talked for a while and I felt much better afterward. This morning I paid some attention to Wilson, sat down to get this blogging out of the way, and I think I'm up to doing some domestic errands like laundry and housecleaning. Normal stuff, that normal people do. I'll be fine.

I really don't know why I sat and wrote this today. Most of the time, when I write a post, it's because I've thought about a topic for a day or two and have decided what it is I would definitively care to say. Today, you got something off-the-cuff. I think I wanted to share the idea that I have issues just like anyone else (well, OK, not "just" like anyone else) and I'm not always the rational, squared-away sort of person I sometimes let on.

 

Labels: borderline, health, schizophrenia

Window Dressing:

Operative: Ghosty.

Submitted: 1/13/2008 11:36:00 AM